Oct 14, 2009

The awkward metro stare-down?

Today we have a guest blogger! Below is the story, in his own words.

Often people just succumb to the expected exasperating time on the metro. They assume, at best, the trip will be needlessly boring, and at worst, nearly de-evolve them to a murderous animalistic state of mind.

I however, have found a 3rd option. Unfortunately it can’t be used every time, or even during the week all that much. Before I continue, let me tell you a little story.

Now, I don’t consider myself ugly or anything, but at this point “cuddly big bear” is really where I max out in terms of sex appeal. But last weekend was quite different (or so I thought). I was taking the redline south from White Flint. I had brought my parents along for a trip downtown since they happened to be visiting. The train was fairly crowded for an early Saturday morning ride, but I just assumed there was an event happening somewhere and soon. So I sat us down near one of the doors. Unfortunately we had to separate in order to ensure we all had a seat. So mom and dad got a two seater row and I took one of the empty seats facing the aisle.

We tried to talk, but soon it became too hard as the train got more crowded with each stop. Finally I just regulated myself to a little day dreaming while keeping a cautious eye on the Mr. Stinky Pants across from me…dude didn’t look right. Anyways, about 10 minutes in, a very attractive young woman walks through the doors and immediately just gave me “The Look”. You all know what I’m talking about. The “I’m totally into you but I’d rather play this staring game than actually strike up a conversation” look. Well obviously I quickly lost that game, looking down after about 0.002 seconds. I was clearly not used to that kind of attention…as in very intense attention :-) . I looked up again after I regained my senses, prepared to claim victory, but was instantaneously destroyed by her once again! She was now like 5 feet away and looking right into my SOUL!! Oh God! I didn’t know what to do, I was so uncomfortable! I thought, if she is flirting, then I guaranteed she will never put on a wedding dress because all of mankind will have a heart attack before they get to “hello”. Mercifully, a few moments she walked further down the aisle (I guess dead mice aren’t nearly as fun to play with).

Luckily I recovered rather fast and felt strong. For a short while at least. Not 3 minutes later, a much older (but still retaining a sort of cougar like aura) lady struggled down the aisle as the train shuddered through the tunnel. I thought “stay still woman, you’re gonna break your hip!” But she labored on and I soon realized, to my horror, she was staring me down like an Indian Tiger does to its dinner! Oh no I though. Did I put on too much Axe this morning? What was going on?? She finally made it to within arm’s reach of me and I did my best awkward smile. I said “Good ….Morning”. She didn’t even blink an eye. This one is evil I thought. Not a word, not a quiver of the mouth, NOTHING! I couldn’t retain eye contact, so I again admitted defeat. She too saw no further use for me and came back the way she came.

Ugggg I thought. I never knew being pretty could be so taxing to the emotions. I was drained. It seemed as though I would be spared any further abuse until several stops away. As we pulled away from Dupont Circle, a saw a young man board. He seemed like a classy guy, well dressed, clean shaven, close cut, that kind of thing. Then, before I knew what was happening, he turned and looks straight at my face. You’ve got to be kidding me I said to myself! The young man then proceeded to swing from the support bars like a monkey in a jungle until he was also right in front of me. I started to make plans to document everything I was wearing that day so that if I ever felt the need to be ambushed I wouldn’t have to think too hard about it.

Since I had been grilled from a young age to always be polite, I looked up and smiled. I tried to flash the wedding ring a little bit you know, I mean crap I don’t know how to handle these situations anymore! He continued to stare intently at me with a mischievous smile on his lips. This is quite flattering I thought, but now what? When he didn’t move or even attempt to make conversation, I gave a big sigh and said “ooooookkkkkkk” in a slightly annoying tone. His head then jerked a bit and he gave the impression that he was seeing me for the first time. Turns out he was. “If you didn’t put your head right in front of the map, this might be less weird” he said. Confused, I turned around. There, nearly covered by my large (substantially by that point) head, was the Metro Rail map.

So I guess the moral of my story is, if you feel like you need a self confidence boost…go sit in front of the Metro Rail map on a weekend with a lot of tourists. You will immediately become the most attractive person on that car.  :-)

Like this story?  Check out Josh's own blog!

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